Part 1

Memoirs, especially if they are invented, can be fun.
Here's one which I will publish on the Blog over the next couple of days.
Short listed in The Fish Memoir Competition this year.

CONFESSIONS OF A FRUIT THIEF…

Yer Honour, I quit the National Internship Scheme, aka Job Bridge, after 3 months. I told my host organisation managing (HOM) boss director to “sod off.” I’d had enough of flogging glass at-

“Hours per day- unspecified/ days per week –to be advised.”

The People before Profit/Anti Austerity lads, Paul and Richard, got one thing right-

 I was the victim of rampant exploitation.

Personalised gifts, depersonalised gifts, achievement awards, lack of achievement awards? 
Yes, Missus, we do just about anything.

All plaques come in 3 sizes in a range of puke shades- from Azure grey to Onyx grey.

Complete with presentation box (which you should keep in pristine condition in case you want to return the aforesaid…em… item.)

Have your favourite family photo fossilised, I mean immortalised, as in forever, inside our high quality crystal. Add text or logo. No limit to what we can add.

(Within reason- nothing rude now!)

“Murphy!( that’s me) did you contact every badminton club, tennis club, golf club, fishing club, karate club, fencing club… blah blah in Ireland this morning like I asked you?”

(I did …not)!

“And, since St Patrick’s Day is coming up, email all the government ministers and offer them a unique piece of Ireland to take with them on their cultural-trade junkets,

(At the tax payer’s expense)

“To offer to foreign dignitaries in far flung paces- like…em… Shangri-la.

Not decanters Murphy, use your common sense. Book markers, pen holders, pocket size stuff. Consider baggage allowance and all that…”

(But St Patrick’s Day’s tomorrow, host organisation manager! And does Shangri-la actually exist?)

“Don’t be so negative Murphy. Just do it.”

(I think, HOM, that the flight of ministers has already taken place. We have, as you might say, missed the boat.)

“They fly, Murphy, you eejit, on government sponsored jets.”

(Also paid for by the tax payer… It was a metaphor, sir. Not very original, I admit but.)

(PS. Since they don’t fly Ryan Air maybe we could be more generous with the decanters?)

“You’re fired Murphy.”

(We have a contract; I’m on a bridge, not a metaphor.)

“You’re out. Unsuitable. Non-negotiable. You’re a bloody smart-arse!”

 I quit. Sod off! I’ve had enough non- training and down- skilling for a lifetime.

 “This scheme is a scandal, converting paid work into free labour, distorting unemployment figures.” –

Right on Richard Boyd Barrett!!

And anyway I had options- there was my mate, Stephen Paul, Aka The Bug, and professional gambler. And he needed me, yer Honour.

To be continued....

Copyright with Cathy Leonard 2016