MEET GUSSY
GULL
As Gussy
soared over Merrion Strand he almost dropped the wriggling duckling into the
malodorous sea weed that lay strewn up on the beach. The stench was offensive,
even to a gull with a high tolerance of stench. And to think that he and his
clan were being heaped with the blame for this polluted eyesore!
Gulls have lost the run of themselves,
ran a recent newspaper headline. And when the twitterers got going the cry and
hue for revenge reached fever pitch!
He and his
fellow creatures were accused of pollution, of dispossessing children of their
lollipops, of dispossessing adults of their sleep, bringing about sleep
depravation in the whole of Dublin
4. And then, if they were not pariah
enough, there was a Special on the Late Late where Ryan Tubridy
entertained that little precocious upstart Sally Holmes to a VIP slot! Her and
her stats!
Gull droppings were 10 times more concentrated
than human waste, making 40 million Ecoli per gull, she quipped, and then added a dozen other
erroneous facts in condemnation of the whole gull species.
Ryan tried
weakly to protest, quoting from Jonathon Livingston Seagull. But it’s penguins
that are the whole rage these days and the little arrogant meddler, wearing a
replica of her granda’s deerstalker cap and frock coat, just talked him down.
The stats
were rigged; FAKE NEWS!!! He’d have to take it up with the Department of
Truth. And meanwhile Sally Holmes’ online campaign, a veritable gull hunt, had
to be stopped.
That was
why he and his comrades had taken to the roof of Hawkins House, headquarters of
the Department of Health.
Not to nest---
but to protest!!
Free
speech for Gulls!
Equality
for the avian species!
Justice for migrant birds!
And what
happened then?
The wheels
of government began to turn distinctly against them. There were calls for walls,
nets, pest control measures. Calls for culling. Extermination of their race!
Eradication. Genocide.
That’s when
Gussy hit upon a plan.
Much as
he’d like to discredit the penguin community, it was a long way to Dublin Zoo.
And if the wind was westerly and gale force, he’d never make it. Seals were the
nearest cousin to penguins that he could think of, and a colony of them was
easily located within easy flying distance of Herbert Park.
His plan
was to drop a duckling within bait stroke of a seal and then dive to the
rescue. That should make the Six O’clock news. Sharon or Dobbo might even put
in a personal appearance at the Forty Foot to interview witnesses. Seals would
become the new scapegoats; gulls would be off the hook.
The problem
was stealing a duckling first without attracting attention! And Sally Holmes
had made gull-meat of that!
FINALE---THE SIX O’CLOCK NEWS
And now from our reporter in Dunlaoghaire
Sharon, can you give us the latest on this development at the Forty Foot?
Yes, Brian, it seems that Ma Doyle was sea bathing with her black flat coated retriever Molly when a duckling fell out of the sky within a snout’s distance of Molly’s bopping black head. Molly, being a retriever, went straight to the rescue but was intercepted by a gull that tried to wrestle the duckling from its rescuer. The dog was viciously attacked, but managed to hold on to the baby duck. The attempted abduction is the latest in a series of crimes committed by marauding gulls and has prompted the Minister for the Environment to call on The Taoiseach to call on the government to reconvene at the earliest opportunity to discuss the matter.
I believe that Sally Holmes was on the scene within minutes and is currently in pursuit of the offender?
Yes, Brian, Sally and Dr Whatsit in their drone balloon are now pursuing the suspect. I believe they are currently heading in the direction of the equator.
Thanks Sharon. We’ll have footage of the event and news on any further developments on the 9 O’clock news. The latest bulletin is that Molly, a setter-cross in fact, is to be awarded freedom of Dunlaoghaire. She is currently in St Michael’s A& E receiving treatment for her wounds which are not life threatening.
If anyone has found this report disturbing we would ask you to get in touch with the help-line 180020202020.
That’s all for now. Have a good evening and remember you can keep up to date with the news on RTE News Now and RTE news app.
Copyright 2017 Cathy Leonard All rights reserved
